I'm a very guarded person. I don't let people in easily and there are very few people who really know me. I'm also very guarded with my heart, especially when it comes to this adoption. Take this as you will, but I don't think about Silas much. I don't know if it is because we have no definite timeline to get me super excited, or if it is because my days are consumed with 3 little ones, but I rarely let my mind wonder all the "what if's". What if he was born today? What is he going to look like? How old will he be? What if he has a lot of medical issues? What if he doesn't like us? What if he is a horrible baby who never sleeps? What if he cries all the way home on our 20 something hour plane ride? What if I don't fall madly in love with him the first time I lay eyes on him? What if he has a sibling that never gets adopted? What if I get thrown in jail for punching somebody out that makes a snide comment about our multi-racial family? I could go on all day.
I honestly think that my guarded heart is actually God's peace over this situation. There were a lot of "what if's" when I was pregnant with my biological hooligans. What if she is born too early? What is she going to look like? What if he has medical issues? What if they are horrible sleepers? What if I don't fall madly in love with them the moment I see their sweet face? What if I can't handle another one? There are always going to be "what if's" in any thing we go through.
This is where God's peace comes in. You see, I don't have to stress about all of this. We know that we are following God's direction for our life and we know that he's got all of this under control. He has already picked a baby that is ours. He might have medical issues. He might be a terrible baby. He might cry the entire plane ride home. He might be freaked out by the only white people he has ever seen. He might take months to attach to us. He might be the hardest child we raise. But, I don't have to dwell on things that are out of my control because no matter how easy or hard Silas is going to be, he is our child. He is going to be loved unconditionally. He is going to bless us way more than we could ever bless him. He is going to have a place in this family and is going to be spoiled rotten. He is going to be raised knowing what a special gift he is. It's not going to be easy, as with every child it gets harder, but we can do it with the grace of God.
As of 2 weeks ago, we are officially on the waiting list. Our agency is still averaging about 10 months for a referal and several months after that to bring the baby home. I am patiently waiting. I know that Silas will be given to us at the right time, and that he will fit right into our family like he's been here all along. I know that the peace I have about the whole situation can only come from the good Lord and that he is taking care of sweet Silas wherever he is right now, so I don't have to worry about it.